I constantly “live” in the future.
On one hand, it comes from a place of hope. Setting goals, reading self-improvement books, and constantly seeking the “next step” on the path.
On the other hand, it comes from a place of fear. Mitigating anxiety, avoiding situations that cause panic and constantly seeking contingency plans if things go awry.
In both cases, I’ve given up the present for the future, living in a fantasy world in my head, so distant from the world here and now.
The former is something of a religion in the modern professional world. If you aren’t setting goals, are you really human? If you don’t set yourself up for optionality, you could be hosed if things go badly.
The latter being a truth I’d rather not expose, but one that is likely more pervasive and elusive than we would like to admit.
Over the past few months, deeply rooted fear, chronic anxiety (a la panic disorder), and an undercurrent of addiction have once again forced me to come face-to-face with my own darkness that at times has laid dormant, but has never left my side.
I’m not sure about you, but if you have lived with clinical anxiety (or depression) or dealt with an addiction used to salve said disorder, (whether the standard-issue addiction (drugs, booze, gambling) or the more exotic breeds (workaholism, status, etc)), the darkness is something you not only don’t talk about but something you will do anything possible to avoid.
However, no matter how hard you try to self-improve it out of your life, its presence never leaves your side. And I am told that it will never leave your side (shoot, I was REALLY hoping for a different answer).
Sometimes it is a low-grade static and at other times an all-consuming dark cloud that envelops your entire being.
Although it is likely to never be “eliminated” from your life, I’m told we do have the power to transform it into something that ultimately leads you to a more rewarding and fulfilling life. Or so they say, I’m still at the not-through-the-preface-of-book-phase, so I have work to do before I can speak to this authentically.
If there is one thing ancient spiritual traditions have in common, it is the belief that healing can only start when we are willing to own our pain as the pathway to peace by surrendering to the fact that we have no control over it.
If you are anything like me, you want to control, so this part is really, really, really hard (did I say it was really hard?).“What do you mean I can’t read a book on Mindfulness, read 10% Happier and meditate for 10 minutes a day and, poof, panic is gone?”
The problem with this approach is it doesn’t work. Believe me, I’ve been trying for 7 years.
No amount of books, podcasts, diets, money, savings, jobs, titles, promotions, houses, cars, watches, friends, trips will ever lead to lasting, meaningful change that is able to transform pain into recovery and ultimately into “Life” as the Christian mystics would say.
So…I’m trying a different approach this time, which I’ll start documenting here for anyone interested…more for myself to revert back to when the entanglements of reality inevitably pop up.
The first step, “Keep It Simple, Stupid,” is an AA aphorism that I’ve latched onto given my tendency to over-manufacture life.
From notching 60 seconds off my drive time to 6 am yoga to career goals for my 40s, I always over-complicate action, which leaves me feeling guilty that I will never do enough and ultimately not doing anything.
Over the past few weeks of this journey, what I’ve found very helpful when I get overwhelmed about whether I’m doing enough or the “right things,” has been to constantly ask myself:
“How can I be the best man at this moment?”
Simple. Easy. Actionable.
Whenever the fear creeps in or the anxiety gets strong and I start feeling anxious about the future, asking myself if I’ll be able to keep this up, I bring my thinking back to the present and remind myself that all I can do is act well, now.
Maybe you will have a panic attack tomorrow, but you aren’t right now, and that is enough.
Maybe you will have a nervous breakdown when you can’t drink with friends at the next party, but you aren’t right now, and that is enough.
For me, simplicity has always been more helpful than complexity.
So the next time you find yourself anxious about whatever is on your mind, root yourself in the moment and ask yourself how you can be the best man/woman/husband/wife/student/barista/chef/etc. in this moment.
Do that. Then do the next thing. Then the next.
All we have is the present.